reality bites

I was watching Garden State last night and one line from the movie really hit home for me..."I'm homesick for a home that not longer exists." That is exactly how I feel. As I am sitting here typing my grandfather is slowly dying. As I went to sleep last night I had visions of moments with him. It makes me miss home, makes me miss him. Although I have come to terms with the fact that I will never see him again (I'm not being morbid, it's a fact) I still cannot imagine home without him. My grandparents have lived around the corner from my since I was in fourth grade, they have been very much apart of my life for as much of it as I can really remember. The idea of returning to America, returning home without him there makes me ill. At times when I think of home and start to miss it my mind always tells myself that my version of home will no longer be there. It's not like missing something knowing that you'll get it again, I'm missing something that I can never get back. When I am done with my 27 month service my home will be lost forever, I will return to a different America, a different California, a different life. Sometimes that's too much to deal with. I really just don't know how I will ever be able to be home without him.