sixth sense?

Years ago I had a similar experience. I was 19 years old and sitting at home late at night while my younger sister was out having fun, classic. A feeling came over me and I began to worry about her, something inside me just felt like she wasn’t ok. Moments later the phone rings and as my mom answers I ask “What’s wrong with Lis?” Sadly I was right, something was wrong. Lis had gotten in a bad car accident. Luckily everyone would be ok after some doctor visits and surgeries.

Last night it happened again. I was reading “The Namesake” and just got to a part that I desperately needed a break from. I put the book down and took some time to reminisce about my grandfather. He’s really ill and when I left for the Peace Corps I realized it might be the last time I see him but more recently it’s become the sad reality. Lately, he has been on my mind a lot as his condition worsens while waiting to leave this world. As I was thinking about times I’ve spent with my grandparents I begin to think about actually going home and not seeing him there. The next time I visit my grandfather it will be at his gravesite. One of these days this week will not only be either my mom’s birthday or my sister-in-law’s birthday but will also mark the grandfather’s last day. Why blog about this sadness, well, it’s part of my experience here and part of my life. It was just too much to deal with at the moment so I decided to write about it. During my 30 minutes of remembering silly times with my grandpa my heart stopped and I just knew the phone was going to ring. I got up and walked to my phone and just then it rang. I answered knowing it was my mom and listened as she told me my grandpa was in a permanent sleep, we will never wake up again. The culmination of the last hour kinda hit me, I hung up on my mom (oops) and just took a minute to embrace what was happening. I’m not an emotional person normally so I took a minute, cried, and then tried to comprehend that life as I knew it would never really be the same again. It is apart of life and it’s not like he was taken unexpectedly, or that we haven’t had enough time to prepare but being the first close family member that I will loose I’m still unsure on how to deal with it and how to grasp the idea of the future without him in it. I can’t be too sad, he was in pain and he is on his way home, something he longed for in his last days. I’m just heartbroken that I wasn’t there, I couldn’t see him one last time, couldn’t hug him or joke with him. He is in a better place I know, but how do you say goodbye, especially if you aren’t physically there to say it and how on Earth am I suppose to go on with my mundane activities with all this baring down on me? I understand you just do and I will but that really just makes me sick to think about. Sorry for the depressing and odd ramblings of my life, I’ll try to be a little different in future entries. Other than issues back home, life here is fine.